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Meanwhile In Finland

Just in case it’s cold where you live …

Next time be careful bringing it home – it’s the thinnest flat screen in its class.

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl”.

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the girl you were with?”

“I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

“Was it Tina Minetti?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Teresa Volpe?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Nina Capelli?”

“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Cathy Piriano?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.

But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend, Nino, slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

“4 months vacation and five good leads.”

6 weeks : I love you, I love you, I love you.
6 months : Of course I love you.
6 years : GOD! If I didn’t love you, then why did I marry you?

Back from Work

6 weeks: Honey, I’m home!
6 months: I’m back!
6 years: What’s for dinner?

Gifts

6 weeks: Honey, I really hope you like the ring.
6 months: I bought a new painting for the living room.
6 years: Here’s the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing

6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months: Here, it’s for you.
6 years : PHONE: ring ring, ring ring.

Cooking

6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years: AGAIN!

Apology

6 weeks: Honey muffin, don’t worry, Ill never hold it against you.
6 months: Don’t do it again.
6 years: What’s not to understand about what I just said?

New Dress

6 weeks: Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months: You bought a new dress.
6 years: How much did THAT cost?

Planning for Vacations

6 weeks: How does 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you want sound?
6 months: What’s so bad about visiting my mum and dad?
6 years: Travel? What’s so bad about staying home?

TV

6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months: I like this movie.
6 years: I’m going to watch Eurosport, if you’re not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself …

Fine

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes

If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the football before helping around the house.

Go Ahead

This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

A Loud Sigh

This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer quickly to No 9 for the meaning of nothing.)

That’s Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks

A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’, which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ – that will bring on No. 7).

Whatever

Is a woman’s way of saying, “FUCK YOU!”

Don’t worry about it, I got it

Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to No. 4.

Nothing

This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in “Fine”.

———

Send this link to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

Send this link to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because we know it’s true!

But apparently she knows YOU.

They never last enough

Bananas

They get softer once they age

Time

You can’t do anything to change it

Coffee

The best men are warm, hard and keep you up all night.

Computers

Hard to understand and constantly running on low memory.

Advertising

Never trust a word they say

Popcorn

They satisfy you but never last to long

Snow

You never know when they’re coming, how many inches and how long it lasts.

Xerox

They help at reproduction.

This is apparently supposed to be some sort of improvement on the popular g-string panty style. according to their website:

The CString is a completely new and exciting innovation in lingerie. Say goodbye to panty line and uncomfortable straps. Say hello to a sexy new freedom.

Because, you know, straps on your underwear are way more uncomfortable then a headband-like object stuck up your buttcrack? I’m actually quite surprised that CString is still in business, but I did notice that they added real underwear (g-string and booty shorts) to their collection instead of just producing the C-String.

Pastease Strapless Bikini

The Pastease are actually pretty cool, but when Pastease expanded their pasties collection to include the “strapless bikini”, they kinda jumped the shark. The bikini bottom is essentially a waterproof triangle sticker that measure 1.5″ x 2.5″. We have deemed the Pastease Strapless Bikini, “The Vag Sealer”, at the office. According to the Pastease website:

Our most daring funwear strapless bikini features the same waterproof, skin-safe adhesive as all Pastease.

Funwear? I wonder how much fun removing the strapless bikini is?

The Backless Thong

Oh boy, where to begin. According to BacklessLingerie.com:

Unlike a G-String or thong, our Lingerie minimize VPL (visible panty lines) but also have a full width gusset, giving you comfort and peace of mind. Unlike other forms of lingerie, Backless Lingerie doesn’t ride, wedge or shift. Their soft straps sit snugly below your bottom, keeping them firmly in place.

For the girl so obsessed with panty lines that a thong is not good enough? But she would wear this crazy contraption rather then go commando? Kind of a small market there…

I can’t imagine the backless thong staying in place without making the leg straps uncomfortably tight. And, there has to be some shifting when you sit down that’s going to look a lot stranger trying to fix then picking a wedgie.

The Butt Bra

Sadly, this is the least stupid lingerie innovation on my list, but come on…A butt bra? Shapewear has been around for a long time and The Butt Bra would fall into the shapewear category along with girdles and slimmers, but I think this beauty has been brought on by the “Kim Kardashian Era”, where there is no such thing as too much booty. Can you imagine getting caught wearing something as silly as this? I’ll just stick with doing squats thank you very much.

New office Policy

Dress Code:

• You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
• If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
• If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
• If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

• Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
• Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
• Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Which one is your favourite ?

So … remember to always put your seat belt on … it may save your life

Step 1

Drop The soap. This will cause several large, muscley men to look at you deviously, furrowing their brow in expectation of the pleasure that is to come. Now is a good time to start whimpering in terror.

Step 2

Slide the front of one of your feet under the bar of soap.

Step 3

Place your other foot on top of the original foot.

Step 4

Finally, slide the soap with your top foot up your calf and, if you can, up part of your hip. While you are moving the bar gracefully up your leg you should be semi-squatting and grabbing for the soap. Make sure you keep your ass tilted towards the ground as to avoid any attacks/insertions.

Step 5

Breathe a sigh of relief as you continue to shower without anal violation.

There you have it! Simple, yet invaluable to more attractive incarcerated criminals who shower regularly.

I found this in one of my emails. If you wrote this please leave a comment and a link.

This guy found his true love and just look at what he did for it.

My favorite part of the video is when Phyto takes a piss and the girl says “You make a great hydrant” to that old lady. As always the character that gets “punked” more is my favorite so in this case it the old lady .
Freshfunds.com came up with a really great concept: Reward yourself for a healthy lifestyle!
It’s really great. You get to buy Chiquita and Fresh Express products or write in for a game piece and collect the Fresh Funds points on the back of specially marked packages.
Once you have a decent amount of points you can bid on weekly auctions, make donations, obtain rewards or win unique prizes.

Share the video if you want to

HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD

in the shed, solely to stir paint with. If you don’t have one of these, get one asap. And some paint to stir. The piece of wood must always have paint to about halfway up it from the last time you used it.

KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH

“A Phillips? For that? Are you mad?” And intuitively knowing which way to turn when using a screwdriver, wrench or any other tool.

HAVING EARNED THAT PINT

Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it’s over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

OPENING JARS

She’s struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn’t. Jars are men’s work.

CALLING SOMEONE ‘SON’

Especially policemen but even saying it to kids makes you the man. Or “boy”, that works too.

SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE

Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don’t need a sharpener, I’ve got a knife…

GOING TO THE TIP

A manly act which combines driving, lifting and – as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish – noisy destruction.

DRINKING UP

Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, “Let’s go” and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You’re hard.

HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE

When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. “Big night?” Grr, what does it look like.

HAVING A SCAR

Ideally it’ll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. “Ooh, did it hurt?”… “Nah”.

NODDING AT COPPERS

A moment’s eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. “We’ve not seen eye to eye in the past”, it says, “but someone’s got to keep the kids in line”.

USING POWER TOOLS

Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. And examining the contents of another man’s shed, knowing that your power tools are both bigger and better.

ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE

And everyone cheers you. It doesn’t mean you’re popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn’t know that.

NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT

Fat is a feminist issue, apparently.

WINKING

Turns women to putty. Doesn’t it?

TEST SWINGING HAMMERS

Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we’ll make do with the aisles.

TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT

Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU

Especially if you didn’t make a fuss. “Why was I off? Nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage”

PARALLEL PARKING

Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car’s got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

1. PMS is not a lame excuse to be able to yell at you. It’s a great excuse.
2. We really can pump our own gas. It’s just that we’ve got this fantasy of you as a ’30s-era full-service station attendant. You’d look so cute in the hat.
3. We’re not complimented when you call your ex a slut. She dated you, too. So what are we?
4. We’re smart enough to know that smell is always the dog.
5. Yes, we can dish it out.
6. No, we can’t take it.
7. We want to raise children. We just don’t want you to be one of them.
8. Women are meant to talk and men to listen. We don’t want to be fixed; we want to be heard.
9. When we ask if you’ve had any work done, it’s because we want to know what our kids will really look like.
10. When we ask you how we look, it’s okay to lie; when we ask you how she looks, you better lie.

So true …

1887 – The Bathers – Pierre Auguste Renoir

1920 – Thin, short haired flapper

1950 – Marylin Monroe

1960 – Twiggy Lawson

1970’s – Karen Carpenter

1988 – Cosmopolitan

2002 – Harper’s Bazaar

Modern day Fashion Model

In 20 years

I’m afraid to go any further in the future

Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:

Simple Duties

You make the bed: +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: -1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1
You leave the toilet seat up: -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty: 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom: -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings: +5
in the snow: +8
but return with beer: -5
and no liners: -25
You check out a suspicious noise at night: +2
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It’s her cat: -50

At a party

You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while then go to chat with a friend from school: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is now a dancer: -10
With breast implants: -18

Her Birthday

You remember her birthday: 0
You buy a card and flowers: 0
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +1
It is a sports bar: -2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -3
And your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10

A night out with the boys

You go out with a pal: 0
The pal is happily married: +1
The pal is single: -7
He drives a Ferrari: -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED): -15

A night out with her

You take her to a movie: +2
You take her to a movie she likes: +4
You take her to a movie you hate: +6
You take her to a movie you like: -2
It’s called Death Cop III: -3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans: -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans: -15

Your physique

You develop a noticeable pot belly: -15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it: +10
You resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts: -30
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”: -800

The big question

She asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”
You hesitate in responding: -10
You reply, “Where?”: -35
You reply, “No, I think it’s your ass”: -100
Any other response: -20

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression: 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience: +50
You’re mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying “well, what do you think I should do?”: -100
You have fallen asleep: -200

It’s that time of the month

You talk: -100
You don’t talk: -150
You spend time with her: -200
You don’t spend time with her: -500